I live in Adelaide, South Australia. I found out yesterday that the one and only support group in this state is closing due to the withdrawal of government funds. There are absolutely no other groups or centers for ED support.
I’ve been in recovery for almost six months and a large part of that was spent battling on my own. I know I don’t need a support group, but it was the one place in which, for an hour and a half each week, I felt alright. A little bit hopeful. Strung out and sad - because talking about EDs will do that to you - but lined with silver. One and a half hours where I could start to believe that I would wake up one morning and be fully okay.
So what do I do?
Here’s what I’m really sad about. I don’t know if I will ever recover.
I’ve gotten used to normalcy, and outwardly these days, no one would ever be able to guess what I’ve been through or how I still struggle. I have more normal eating habits and I weigh a healthy amount. But inside, I am far from okay. I feel like I’ve broken something important, and I’ve been given crutches and painkillers instead of a cast and bed rest. I limp on, only no one can see it.
I’m not okay. I wake up sad. I loathe this body I walk around in. I am constantly, heavily, incessantly niggled at. Too fat, not quite ‘there’ yet, too average-Jane, too plain, nothing really wrong with me, nothing right with me either. I keep thinking that this is recovery. This constant sadness and heaviness. I did everything I’m supposed to and I stayed strong and everyone is so proud of me - but I feel it ruined me.
Is this recovery? If it is I think I would prefer my old life back. The pointy knees and ribs, a head too large for my body, a grimace instead of a smile.
I think I need help but I don’t know where to get it.