broken alice

I live in Adelaide, South Australia. I found out yesterday that the one and only support group in this state is closing due to the withdrawal of government funds. There are absolutely no other groups or centers for ED support. 

I’ve been in recovery for almost six months and a large part of that was spent battling on my own. I know I don’t need a support group, but it was the one place in which, for an hour and a half each week, I felt alright. A little bit hopeful. Strung out and sad - because talking about EDs will do that to you - but lined with silver. One and a half hours where I could start to believe that I would wake up one morning and be fully okay.

So what do I do? 

Here’s what I’m really sad about. I don’t know if I will ever recover.

I’ve gotten used to normalcy, and outwardly these days, no one would ever be able to guess what I’ve been through or how I still struggle. I have more normal eating habits and I weigh a healthy amount. But inside, I am far from okay. I feel like I’ve broken something important, and I’ve been given crutches and painkillers instead of a cast and bed rest. I limp on, only no one can see it. 

I’m not okay. I wake up sad. I loathe this body I walk around in. I am constantly, heavily, incessantly niggled at. Too fat, not quite ‘there’ yet, too average-Jane, too plain, nothing really wrong with me, nothing right with me either. I keep thinking that this is recovery. This constant sadness and heaviness. I did everything I’m supposed to and I stayed strong and everyone is so proud of me - but I feel it ruined me. 

Is this recovery? If it is I think I would prefer my old life back. The pointy knees and ribs, a head too large for my body, a grimace instead of a smile. 

I think I need help but I don’t know where to get it.

(Source: misspriya)

blueoceancurrents:

1. I tell myself that I’ll do it later in the day. Like, in the shower or something.
2. I keep telling myself that I’ll do it later
3. I tell myself that until I go to bed.

Note… This only works sometimes. I hope it will work for some of you.

tenacioustttabby:

So I’v gained far past my goal weight. My body has decided it’s happier with me this way., I was going to try to lose some weight, but I decided against it. So last weekend I went down to Target and got myself a few pairs of colorful chinos! Now, you must understand, I’ve been wearing sweatpants…

pokedandstoked:

I can admit I don’t want to recover… that’s the reason I am still sick, after all. I’m afraid to feel. I’m afraid to be uncomfortable, vulnerable, raw… with no ED to curl up into to numb myself with.

I want to feel differently though… deep down I know I hate this. Sure, I’m skinny…. sure, I get…

(Source: selfloves)

lifesigns:

Whatever you’re feeling right now, you can enhance and even change your thoughts and feelings by doing stuff.

It’s like a science experiment, or cake recipe, or a magick spell - follow the basic instructions, add your own personal spin, and see what happens!

1) Do something for someone…

(Source: selfloves)

Oh God, this is how it feels. Can’t go backwards. Can’t go forwards. Don’t want to gain weight, shouldn’t lose weight. Round and round, mouse in a wheel. Oh for some more ribs. Some hip bones. A thigh gap again. Oh for rules and counting and calories. Numbers, meal plans, diets, calorie counters, structure, calculators, scales, another food group to add to the forbidden list. Oh God. Oh God. I can only fight this constant hunger with more hunger. More rules. Backing myself into a corner. How do I keep going? I must do this now, or lose another two years. Do this now or lose my life. Please tell me what to do. 

(Source: joeydeangelis, via martinipistache)

perfecting-imperfecti0n:

If I’m sad, I’m sad.
If I’m stressed, I’m stressed.
If I’m frustrated, I’m frustrated.
If I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed.

Fat is not a feeling.